Because I’m so thoroughly irony-poisoned (and needed a distraction from the disaster that is Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker) I went to see Cats in an actual movie theater this weekend. I had to see Tom Hooper’s nightmare CGI fur orgy for myself, before the visuals effects get “fixed.” And folks, it’s not just bad, it’s Hell.
I’m choosing my words very carefully here. Watching Cats specifically feels like being in a version of Hell with a capital H. When other people in the small audience literally started walking out of the theater halfway through, I could feel their suffering lifting in a Biblical sense. But the best way to keep from hurting is by laughing. So like a feline Dante, here are six unholy reasons why watching Cats feels like being in Hell.
The Fusion of Man and Beast
Satanic imagery loves making unholy combinations of people and animals. More often than not the Devil himself is some kind of goatman. The “cats” in Cats are vaguely feline but have upright monkey-like bodies with straight-up human faces and eyes floating on them. Idris Elba’s “fur” is so smooth and close to his skin tone he just looks naked. There are cockroaches and mice with human child faces like in The Witches. It’s an abomination.
Familiar Faces Tortured
Cats has an absolutely stacked cast of actors and singers. Taylor Swift! Jennifer Hudson! Judi Dench! Ian McKellan! So seeing them all try their hardest under the haze of this hideous digital monster makeup feels like seeing your loved ones burning in the lake of fire. James Corden can stay there though.
Nothing Makes Sense
This is a problem going back to the original musical, but Cats has literally no plot. It’s just a bunch of maddening interchangeable scenes of cats dancing and explaining their nonsensical names and lives through butchered TS Eliot poetry.
Endless Dark Religious Celebrations
What little narrative Cats does have is the Jellicle (evangelical?) tribe all competing for the chance to be reborn into a new life. To die, basically. So the whole celebration has this communal ritual sacrifice vibe with unnerving religious party fervor. The random bits of 80s synth don’t help.
The Writhing!
Basing your choreography on having humans emulate the unique elegance of how cats move is a legitimately cool artistic choice for a dance performance. But the endless horny writhing in Cats is horrific.
It Actually Looks Like Hell
Pokemon: Detective Pikachu had a gritty neon urban aesthetic but that fit with that movie’s awesome Blade Runner for kids tone. In Cats, the garish color scheme for blighted London just seems nightmarish for no reason. Combine that with the ever shifting scale of the cats themselves (they’re smaller than railroad spikes and tombstones!) and you’re just constantly uncomfortable with your own reality.
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